Boy After Boy.
Posted by Maane Simpas | Posted in | Posted on 5:34 PM
First there was Joshua, with his baggy jeans and hazel eyes. I was twelve and he was fourteen and we spent our time hanging out at the middle school parking lot, smoking Parisiennes, making out, watching the skate kids do their thing. I didn't love him. He didn't love me. I don't think I knew what love was then yet.
Then there was Christopher. He meant nothing.
Then came Daniel and Ryan and Ken. They held me down on my seventeenth birthday. I can't remember who went first or who came last. It happened so fast. Bloody sheets greeted me good morning.
Then there was Carlo who wiped me clean. Two full years of love and cheeseburgers and being drug-free. But he found out about all those guys-in-between and where I really went when he thought I was asleep. He's with someone shinier now.
When I had Carlo I also had them. Kim and Gill and Maynard and Justin. One of them gave me the best summer ever. Oh you know what I mean. I was their lustrush queen.
Then I had Jason and with him came Mary Jane. Nights of weed and crack cocaine. Too much alcohol, too many cigarettes. Just too much, too much of everything. He loved me, he loved me. I remember him wrapping bandages around my arms. When I cut myself open, he sewed me shut. But then he gave me up.
Oh and after him came a whirlwind of casual fucks. I was a slut. Patrick and Macky and Chester and John. And a few others whose names I forgot. I fucked for drugs, for fake love. But man I was praying for love in every blowjob.
After then there was Jessie with his girlfriend of five years. We used to spend hours at the studio, him on vocals, me on drums, his friends strumming guitars. It was music, music, music. He learned to love me more than her. But not enough, not enough. I wanted more.
Oh next came Mike. You know Mike. With his big brown eyes and bubblegum lips. I fell in love with his kiss and the metaphors we always spoke in. Ask me when I first loved, I'd tell you it was with him. He loved me hurt me loved me. I moved on. I was well even without him.
And now there's you. You and your magic tricks and hungry lips. You and how you make sense of me and how you make me good. You un-raped me. Undid everything. And if friendship is all we have, then let me be your sideline slut. Your favorite fuck. Coz I can't be without your taste. And I'll never remember to forget your face.
from: Heartfucked.
heavy stuff